Some Thoughts on Relationships (Enneagram V)
Le Lit, Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec. 1893.
“In my experience there are two things we have in common:
we all want to belong, and we all want our lives to have meaning.
But finding belonging and meaning are dependent on our ability
to build and maintain relationships ___ with people who are like us,
and often with those who are not.”
The Path Between Us
Suzanne Stabile June 24, 2025
It is my hope in writing this article that readers will find time to reflect on at least some of the ideas I’m sharing from my life experience to date. I want to spark conversations with this contribution to Tetragrammaton for there are some things we just need to talk about. It doesn’t matter where, how, or who with, but I’m pretty sure we all need to start talking in earnest about relationships.
At seventy-four, I’m old enough to begin looking back and evaluating the many seasons of my life. Because I “came of age” in the 1960’s, my life has been partially defined by:
The Viet Nam War
The Civil Rights Movement
The Women’s Movement
Hippies, Mini Skirts, Love Beads and Woodstock
The Assassinations of John F. Kennedy, Robert Kennedy, and Martin Luther King, Jr.
For several months, I’ve been perusing my old journals and thinking about how these experiences affected my life in what I now understand to be both positive and negative ways. It seems important to note that the events of the 1960’s were, in many ways, unexpected and unprecedented. And yet, what we experienced, and the way we responded to our new reality, never included the kind of polarization we are experiencing now.
Despite the suggestion that in our modern age we are constantly “communicating” and “connecting”, I’m convinced that we find ourselves in a Relationship Crisis. We are polarized in too many parts of our lives and more tribal than we’ve been in my lifetime. Our standard response to most issues is increasingly dualistic: “I’m right and you’re wrong.” Simply stated, dualistic thinking is by its nature, a question of “either/or”, which choice is the right one and which is not?
Another way of assessing our choices is possible, if only we embrace a nondualistic approach. At its most basic level, non-duality is represented by “both/and” thinking. “My choice is good and so is yours.” We could go with either one, knowing we made a good decision.” Of course, there are choices that involve each person’s life experience and perhaps their belief systems. and sacrificing integrity is never necessary. The key, however, is found in respecting the life experience and integrity of every other person, while allowing room for difference without distance.
I’ve had the privilege of teaching the Enneagram for most of the past four decades. Serious study of this ancient wisdom has offered me the opportunity to understand why I do what I do, and to a limited degree, why others do what they do. It has afforded me the time, space, and place to explore the basic differences in how we, as individuals, see the world.
I’ve heard so many times, “We’re all pretty much the same when you get right down to it.” That is just not true. Enneagram wisdom teaches us that we all belong to one of nine groups of people, each one defined by how we interpret, make sense of, and respond to information from the universe. Of course there are unending examples of nuance, and millions of possible choices to be made but at the same time, predictable, habitual, and ultimately mechanical patterns of behavior have served us well since we were children.
It’s a challenge to change those patterns of behavior. When talking about personality, willpower is a myth that is fueled by emotion, and it will not help us in addressing our methods for dealing with the world. We cannot clench our fists and grit our teeth in order to make meaningful changes in our personalities.
Two of the best things you can do to make changes that would enhance your relationships are the practices of self-observation and allowing.
Practice observing yourself nonjudgmentally. It won’t be easy. But when we judge ourselves, we defend ourselves and then we are deeper in personality than when we started. Just observe your behavior, gently acknowledge it, and move on.
Practice allowing parts of your personality that don’t serve you well to simply fall away. Try to avoid feeling frustrated or angry, and after you acknowledge the behavior that you are trying to change just let it go. The result won’t be immediate, but after time you will find that a new way of responding to similar situations will emerge.
“Every expectation is resentment waiting to happen”
For deeper thought and conversation:
Choose one of the statements below that you think describes you. Think about it, maybe even journal about it a little and then consider discussing your insights with someone else. Each of these ways of being in the world can be problematic in relationships.
Do you take responsibility for making situations better for others?
Do you believe you can affect the world without being affected by it?
Are you accustomed to being focused inward, depending on your own strength to get you through.
There is nothing easy about relationships. There are no short cuts. They require lots of awareness, energy and hard work. My best advice on the subject is this:
Do your personal work and be the healthiest person you can be.
Then find someone else who is doing the same.
I happen to be relational by nature. I always have been. But there are two sides to everything, and this “gift” is no exception because relationships are messy and unpredictable. If I’m not discerning about the people I choose to be in relationships, with I can easily end up committing too much time to too many people, often resulting in taking for granted the people I love the most.
I’ve confessed this many times to my husband, my children, my therapist, my spiritual director, and my pastor. So I’m sharing it not in search of grace, though that would be nice, but because it is part of a bigger teaching about relationships.
One of the most valuable things I’ve learned from people who are in the Recovery Community is this: “Every expectation is resentment waiting to happen.” Expectations are at the core of most of our relationships, whether they have been agreed upon or assumed. Our failure to talk about them clearly and openly causes harm that could potentially be avoided with honest conversation.
For deeper thought, journaling or perhaps conversation, consider this quote:
“Inability or unwillingness to appropriately deal with feelings
Is problematic. When others can’t be honest about what they feel and
what they need, the delayed emotional responses are usually expressed
as anger, shame, fear, or perhaps resentment, all of which are
damaging to a relationship.”¹
What we do is seldom more important than how or why we do it. I find myself more challenged by the “why” but for others, it can be the “how.” Both are, perhaps, determined by personal motivation. Maybe, like me, you are motivated by a deep desire to be wanted. My husband Joe’s motivation most of the time is to believe his presence matters. Our children, in discussion with their spouses, have discovered that within their community of eight, their motivations include: believing their presence matters, avoiding betrayal, knowing they will be taken care of, wanting to be understood, a deep desire to hear that they are good, and being able to trust that they are safe.
For deeper thought, journaling or perhaps conversation:
If you were asked to name one motivation that you believe is most consistent in your sharing life with others what would it be?
Would you say that your motivation in relationships is more about connection and belonging, or about being right?
These ideas are clearly not exhaustive. In fact, they are a mere beginning of all that I believe we need to talk about concerning relationships. Our responses to life are determined in part by how we make sense of what we see, and how we decide to respond. It’s different for all of us.
What we consider to be strengths in our relationships in our twenties can easily become weaknesses in our thirties and forties and beyond, if we aren’t willing to engage in deep, self-reflective inner work.
I sincerely believe a relationship crisis is at hand. We can either decide to work toward healthier and more respectful relationships, or we can continue to contribute to the dualistic and polarizing nature of who we are becoming both individually and collectively.
We will always fall short in relationships, challenged to name and work through disappointment. Even though this is more difficult for some of us than for others, I hope we will all find a way to begin offering and receiving forgiveness. It’s just part of the deal.
¹The Path Between Us
Suzanne Stabile is a speaker, teacher, and internationally recognized Enneagram master teacher who has taught thousands of people over the last thirty years. She is the author of ‘The Path Between Us’, and coauthor, with Ian Morgan Cron, of ‘The Road Back to You’. She is also the creator and host of The Enneagram Journey podcast. Along with her husband, Rev. Joseph Stabile, she is cofounder of Life in the Trinity Ministry, a nonprofit, nondenominational ministry committed to the spiritual growth and formation of adults.
