Grappling

Pietro Cavallini, The Last Judgement, 1300

Ale Nodarse March 5, 2024

How can we picture the unrepresentable?

In the fourteenth-century, Nicephorus Callistus staged a similar question in different terms. Speaking before a painting of the Archangel Michael, he wondered: “How is it that matter can drag the spirit down and encompass the immaterial by means of  colors?”¹

Artists had been grappling with the question for quite some time. And — whether that “immaterial” is first or final love, sudden violence or unexpected salvation, birth, death, or the single night of the year when the cereus flower blossoms; or, whether, as for Callistus, it really is an angel — many of us, artists and viewers, continue to grapple.

Pietro Cavallini’s Last Judgment, completed in 1300 and preserved in Rome’s Basilica di Santa Cecilia in Trastevere — where it stretches across an expanse of wall opposite the nave and where it may still be seen today — raises the question of the unrepresentable in pictorial form. One of the first artists for whom it is possible to provide a bibliography, Cavallini was known for his skill in fresco (a form of wall painting) and mosaic.² He was born, lived, worked, and died in Rome (excluding a decade of patronage in Naples), and he lived a remarkably long life, from (c.) 1240 to 1340, his nearly one hundred years a small miracle at the time.³

Cavallini garnered textual praise as early as the fifteenth century, within the Commentaries of the Florentine sculptor Lorenzo Ghiberti: “[He] was more learned than all the other masters,” Ghiberti writes.⁴ Ghiberti singled out Cavallini’s Last Judgment for admiration, suggesting that the artist painted its entirety with his own hand. Nearly all evidence of this claim, however, had evaporated in a series of changes made to the church in the sixteenth century. Renovations began in 1527—when the monastery adjoining the church was occupied by an enclosed order of Benedictine nuns—and continued through the interventions of various cardinals.⁵ The placement of choir-stalls against the basilica’s western wall concealed and, by a miraculous twist of fate, preserved Cavallini’s masterpiece. In 1900, the stalls were removed and the Last Judgement emerged, as if from underground.⁶

Twelve apostles appear holding various attributes. Upon their perspectival bench—the primary architectural element—the apostles look to Christ in his almond-shaped frame. The Virgin Mary and John the Baptist amplify the apostle's gazes, reflected by the row of angels. Below this upper register, Judgement unfolds, with angels as redeemers and executioners. Their bodies vary greatly, with near-human postures assuming greater energy and violence towards the most damned members of the scene.

Certain aspects of the image are to be expected. Comparative analysis points to several Roman precedents with the same archetypal arrangement: six apostles seated on either side of an enthroned Christ, surrounded by angels, the Virgin, and John the Baptist. Other elements derive from more remote sources. The apostolic attributes have been equated to French sculptural precedents, while the downward posturing of Christ’s hands and the careful separation of the scene’s participants speak of Byzantium.⁷ (I picture nuns sitting in front of the angels on mahogany chairs.)

Few tourists know of the fresco today, and visitation remains sparse. On the day of my visit, a young, black-haired woman enters the choir. An elevator’s ding promises the arrival of this only other guest. We look for several minutes, staring silently at our mutual subject. Could Cavallini have anticipated this kind of communion?

I return often to this Almandine Christ, to Cavallini’s Angels. Standing level to figures raised above human scale remains uncanny. The most recent renovation of the space has left an open void of a meter or so between the viewer’s ground and the visionary’s wall. Signs warn one not to step too closely and red ropes provide a peremptory border. This distance seems fitting – the angels too “other,” too ethereal to approach. It is their wings which offer themselves again and again and which continue to catch me, in their shimmering gradation of tones. 

In the choir, you can hear them: birds. But Cavallini’s wings do not belong to them. The wings of these painted angels glisten and elude. Their fields of color radiate. Beginning with the brilliant tufts of the upper white wing, each color—red, blue, and yellow—differs in value with every descendent feather. The tendency is to count: moving down, feather by feather, color by color, in equal steps. Nine: the number of distinct tones gracing the upper wings. Nine: the number of cosmic divisions and the number, according to medieval thought, of the angelic orders. In the thirteenth-century, the philosopher and theologian Robert Grosseteste formulated a color axis based on the manipulation of hue: degrees of brightness beginning in darkness and reaching the intensification of a “burning glass.”⁸ Fittingly, within Cavallini’s Judgement, the greatest intensity—the greatest measurable brightness—emerges from the wings of the Seraphim, the “burning ones.” Their color, in all its exactitude, claims celestial status.

Staring forth, Cavallini’s angels seem indifferent to nature itself, an abstraction. Their alien wings divulge no source beyond the material, the pigments, from which they now emerge. Theirs is a dissimulating suggestion, an image moving away from earthly referents, from birds on this side of sky, to those which lift, gradually, to other heights.

*

Callistus didn’t answer his own question, at least not directly. But he did feel something as he grappled with his painting. “This is [a work] of ardent love,” he writes, “and it kindles the heart.”⁹ Grappling was, and still is, an act of love. 

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¹Cyril A. Mango. The Art of the Byzantine Empire 312-1453: Sources and Documents

²Paul Hetherington, Pietro Cavallini: A Study in the Art of Late Medieval Rome

³On his time in Naples, see Cathleen Fleck, “The Rise of the Court Artist: Cavallini and Giotto in Fourteenth-Century Naples,” Art History 31 no. 4 (September 2008): 460-483. While dates remain imprecise, several art historians have advanced a birth date in the late 1240s, and suggest—from textual evidence—that Cavallini lived for nearly a century, well into the 1330s. 

⁴Lorenzo Ghiberti, I commentari (The Commentaries)

⁵Cardinals Sfondrato and Acquaviva, in 1599 and 1725, respectively.

⁶Hetherington’s analysis (note 2) provides extensive details of the restoration phases.

⁷Ibid.

⁸Hannah E. Smithson, et al. “A Color Coordinate System from a 13th Century Account of Rainbows,” Journal of the Optical Society of America.

⁹Mango, 231.

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Alejandro (Ale) Nodarse Jammal is an artist and art historian. They are a Ph.D. Candidate in History of Art & Architecture at Harvard University and are completing an MFA at Oxford’s Ruskin School of Art. They think often about art — its history and its practice — in relationship to observation, memory, language, and ethics.

Merlin Sheldrake

test

Film

Nonviolent Communication - An Introduction

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Wayland Myers March 5, 2024

Of the millions of species that have come, gone, and are alive today, why are we the ones that  are the most successful, capable, and dominant? It's a question that may or may not ever find its  answer but one track of our evolutionary development is  quite different from any other species. 

Throughout our history, the traits, mutations, inclinations, and cultural practices that improved our abilities to get along and helped sustain group cohesion have been retained, improved, and passed onto future generations - over, and over, and over. Our species has become successful at living in groups of ever-increasing size, complexity, and composition, and we are enjoying the tremendous benefits this makes possible. We are not alone in these skills nor in their benefits, just ask the ants, bees, and termites. 

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Alfabeto in sogno (1683), Giuseppe Maria Mitelli

So, if the human tree has been growing and evolving for a very long time, and over those millennia,  our abilities to get along have passed along and improved, then why are we experiencing such serious divides today? My thoughts are that although our bodies might be done evolving the neurological and sensory capacities needed to help us coexist with each other, the evolution of the emotional, intellectual, and sociological wisdom and skills still has a ways to go. The practice and approach to interpersonal communication known as Nonviolent Communication is offered here as a contribution to that tract of our evolution. 

In the 1960s and 70s, Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist,  developed a communication  methodology called Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC is a set of concepts and  recommendations designed to help us think, speak, and listen in ways that awaken compassion within  ourselves and between us. It is concerned with increasing mutual understanding and respect for differences, and inspiring people to cooperate for the betterment of each. Its goal is to leave us feeling whole and connected, and to ensure our motivations for helping ourselves and each other are not borne of fear, obligation, or guilt, but because helping has become the most fulfilling activity we can imagine.  From experience, it can be truly life changing. 

Marshall dedicated his life to traveling the world, helping countless individuals and groups resolve  conflicts, and teaching NVC to tens of thousands of people. His gentle, profoundly insightful, and  healing soul is missed by many. 

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“Its goal is to leave us feeling whole and connected, and to ensure our motivations for helping ourselves and each other are not borne of fear, obligation, or guilt, but because helping has become the most fulfilling activity we can imagine.”

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Intimacy

There is an old saying that intimacy means “into me see.” I think it describes precisely how  humans go about creating a sense of connection with each other. It's been well documented, and it is clear from experience, that the most powerful thing we can do to create bonds with others is to reveal something we feel vulnerable about. To tell people how we truly feel about someone, something we're embarrassed about, what we dearly desire, the dreams we hope to fulfill, or the ones we criticize ourselves for having is how we can become closer to others. This is exactly what Nonviolent Communication  tries to accomplish. 

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Nonviolent Communication goes about this by helping us maintain the focus of our conversation on  life-enhancing issues. It grounds us specifically in people's well-being and how to improve it, rather  than the evaluative issues of right, wrong, who's to blame, or what people should do. Its concepts  and recommendations help us remember the important points and critical tasks that can inspire  compassion, connection, and generosity in our relationships, and it helps us regain these when they  are temporarily lost. 

One of the most beautiful things about NVC is that its successful use doesn't require that both  people use it. I've used it successfully with many people who know nothing of NVC. Working to  avoid thinking and speaking in ways that can create trouble also helps me minimize being triggered  when the other person engages in them, and together, that makes a huge difference. 

Here is NVC’s first recommendation.

The Practice of Nonviolent Communication 

Try to avoid using forms of expression that generate pain in the listener, as this decreases the  likelihood of a constructive and mutually beneficial connection being made. Two categories of  behaviors are well-known to have this effect. 

The first is the moralistic appraising of another’s behavior, feelings, values, ideas, or choices as  right/wrong, good/bad, reasonable/unreasonable, or fair/unfair and then sharing our appraisal  with them! Moralistic judgments are not only liable to generate emotional pain but also serve  as invitations to engage in stressful, often dead-ended debates. 

The second category of connection-inhibiting behavior is when we try to get people to do what we  want by asking for it in ways that deny them a choice; for example, telling them what they should or  are supposed to do, that we have a right to it, or trying to manipulate them via threats or guilt trips. 

Sadly, we encounter these forms of speech and methods of behavioral coercion often, and equally  sadly, we use them ourselves. How could we not because these methods are what we have been taught and are the norms in many cultures. NVC provides us with an alternative way to achieve even better  results. 

In the next installment, I’ll detail the concepts and recommendations that constitute the practice of  Nonviolent Communication.

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Wayland Myers, Ph.D. is a psychologist who writes books and articles on Nonviolent Communication and other applications of compassion. He was introduced to the Nonviolent Communication process in 1986 by its creator Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has since used it extensively in his personal and professional lives with profound and deeply valued results.

Jack Clement - All I Want To Do In Life (Out of Print)

Matt Sweeney March 18, 2024

Jack Clement was a chief architect of both Rock and Roll and Country music and made genre-defining records with Johnny Cash, John Prine, Jerry Lee Lewis, Charlie Pride, and Townes Van Zandt. For some reason, he allowed his perfect lone 70’s solo album to out of print and this has yet to be rectified.

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Matt Sweeney is a record producer and the host of the popular music series “Guitar Moves”. He is a member of The Hard Quartet (debut album out Fall of 2024). Rick reached out to Matt Sweeney in 2005 after hearing his “Superwolf” album, and invited him to play on albums by Johnny Cash, Neil Diamond, Adele and many others. Follow Matt Sweeney via Instagram.

The First Six Books of The Elements of Euclid

Hannah Peel Playlist

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Mercury Prize, Ivor Novello and Emmy-nominated, RTS and Music Producers Guild winning composer, with a flow of solo albums and collaborative releases, Hannah Peel joins the dots between science, nature and the creative arts, through her explorative approach to electronic, classical and traditional music.

Film

The Poetic Diary of Ramuntcho Matta (Excerpt I)

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Ramuntcho Matta March 14, 2024

Here I stand. I am invited to do a tribute to my friend Lou Reed. He was a great influence on my desires for a higher life. He helped me understand what music is. That a record is a room full of doors. I met Lou Reed when I was 12 years old, and from that moment, he became a brother of soul. A presence. It's not easy to put into words, that thing beyond a thing.

The song that I sing here is the first collaboration I made with Brion Gysin. Brion wrote the lyrics and I called chords as they came to me.

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I
I want somebody
somebody special

somebody special to live with
somebody special to look after me

I am looking for somebody
somebody special
and if that somebody special looks after me ?

I got the hands and the heart to give with
I am not all that hard
hard to live with

who can this somebody 
somebody special
possibly be ? 

maybe 
this somebody
somebody special
can only be
me
me
me

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I was 15 when I met Brion and a disaster. After three days in a new school, the principal called me into his office:

“I understand that your preference is to be on the street and you’re right, you can learn a lot of precious things out there, but my function here is to educate you. I will offer you a deal: if you come to poetry and philosophy lessons and you help a friend a mine, a dying old man, by cooking for him, helping him to clean himself and just being there, then I won’t tell your parents that you’re not going to school and every year I will put you on the next level”. That old man was Brion Gysin.

It is better to have a body than not, but worst of all is to not be prepared for the loss of it. We started by studying the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Egyptian Book of Breathing. It took Brion ten years to die so we had time to study this and other things. He had spent 23 years of his life in Morocco, initiating himself to the keys of invisibility, and to the keys of time. 

I was 16 when we made that song. Brion had been writing songs since the 1940s but he never had the courage to sing them. So I wrote the music to try and put him on the track he had feared. 

Music is, for me, one of the keys, but the key to what door?

The song starts with an "I" and ends with “me, me, me". Is there one I and three mes? Sometimes we need a substitute personality to handle confusions and another me can come in, and then another one, and a third and so on. But when we have too many, how can we get rid of them?

You have to ride on
And fly in

Every morning I do a little drawing and I put some lyrics on them, like a song. Drawing is music, it is vibrations and frequencies, colors and feelings. Words arrive and then something else entirely joins them.

I 
I want something
something special

something special to live with
something special to look after me

What is ‘me’ is a good question. How is ‘me’ is a better one. How do I become a better me is better yet.

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Ramuntcho Matta is a producer, sound designer and visual artist.

Dr. Jack Kruse and Bill Gifford

Film

The Magician (Tarot Triptych)

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Name: The Magician
Number: 1
Astrology: Mercury
Qabalah: Beth ב

Chris Gabriel March 12, 2024

Watch his hands - The Magician is putting on a show. Whether he’s holding a wand or juggling all of his tools, he has before him each of the magical weapons that form the suits of the Tarot: a wand, a cup, a blade, and a coin. I am always brought to the phrase “Play with a full deck”. The Magician is doing just that.

In Thoth, he is the Magus. The God Mercury, or Hermes. He has a big smile, and long winged heels. He shines radiant gold. In addition to the four tools of the suits, there is a Phoenix wand and a winged egg, for he is going between all opposites. Behind him is his Caduceus, the serpentine wand, and beneath him is his monkey form and shadow, Thoth Cynocephalus. Mercury effortlessly plays with his tools.

In Rider, we see him noble, robed and handsome. He has an Ourboros, the snake eating its tail for his belt, a magic wand in his hand, and infinity above him. He points to above with his wand, and to below with his left hand. Atop the table are his weapons and a great many flowers fill the bottom of the card.

In Marseille, we are given le Bateleur, a street performer. A mundane character compared to a grandiose Ceremonial Magician or Mercury . Here is a trickster hustling fools with his trade. A figure in a bar or at a fair. This is not a Magician who is going to commune with angels and demons, but a hokey fortune teller with a tacky neon sign.

The Tarot is considered by many occultists to be the first book, one written by Hermes, or under his Egyptian name, Thoth. The God who created writing and magic. So in some ways, this card is a self portrait. 

Mercury is androgynous, all the more so when placed in its alchemical trinity with the Emperor and the Empress - Mercury between Sulphur and Salt.

Mercury is the spectrum between all dualities, and effortlessly flies between them. The Tarot itself is structured by these symbolic dualities, between Fire and Water, Earth and Air, the World and the Heavens. Yet in this card, they are tools or toys to the Magician.

Just as at the beginning of our studies, we are the Fool, as we master our understanding of the Tarot, we become like the Magician. Through understanding, we develop a “full deck” with which we can play.

Qabalistically, this card represents the 2nd path on the Tree of Life, that going between God and Understanding, Beth. Beth is an ideogram of a House. Consider how when playing with a deck one can build a “House of Cards”. This is the realm of the Magician.

When dealt the Magician in a reading, think upon your skills, your abilities, and how you can put them into use. This is a call to use our abilities to shape the world around us, to not be stuck in one place, but to apply our understanding!

The Tarot itself is structured by these symbolic dualities, between Fire and Water, Earth and Air, the World and the Heavens.

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Chris Gabriel is a twenty four year old wizard and poet who runs the YouTube channel MemeAnalysis.

CHANNEL, SOCIAL, CARDS

Iggy Pop Playlist

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Iggy Pop is an American singer, songwriter, musician, record producer, and actor. Since forming The Stooges in 1967, Iggy’s career has spanned decades and genres. Having paved the way for ‘70’s punk and ‘90’s grunge, he is often considered “The Godfather of Punk.”

Wherever You Go, There You Are

Questlove Playlist

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Questlove has been the drummer and co-frontman for the original all-live, all-the-time Grammy Award-winning hip-hop group The Roots since 1987. Questlove is also a music history professor, a best-selling author and the Academy Award-winning director of the 2021 documentary Summer of Soul.

Film

What is the Tetragrammaton

What is the Tetragrammaton

How Detachment Can Be Loving For All

Wayland Myers March 7, 2024

Many years ago, I heard a drug rehab counselor say, "Detachment is a means whereby we allow others the opportunity to learn how to care for themselves better.” I felt confused and disturbed. I was a parent. My teenage child’s life and our family were being ravaged by their struggle with drug and alcohol use. Was I being told I shouldn’t try to stop them from using drugs and alcohol? That I shouldn’t try to protect them from themselves or try to control their recovery? I had heard about this “loving detachment” before, and it sounded like a self protective form of abandonment. But this counselor made it sound like a gift. How could that be?

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Petit Livre d’Amour, Pierre Salas. ca. 1500

Over time, I began to understand what the counselor meant. I slowly discovered several mutual benefits that derived from practicing loving detachment when trying to support someone struggling with addiction. Then, I saw that these benefits could be realized in other  situations I found challenging. Like when I was relating to someone who had a chronic illness that required wise self-care to be practiced over long periods of time and I worried they were  failing to do that. Depression, diabetes, attention deficit disorder, and schizophrenia came to  mind. Then I thought, what about people struggling to learn complex life skills like effective study habits, finding a job, managing their personal finances, handling friendships and love  affairs? My interventions in those learning processes sometimes caused more troubles than  they solved. Maybe loving detachment would be helpful there as well. With these expanded  visions, I became very excited about the value of learning to be supportive and lovingly detached at the same time. 

I developed my first understandings of loving detachment at the same time I was developing my first understandings and skills of a communication practice developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, PhD., which is called Nonviolent Communication. I found them to share core values and to be mutually complementary. For instance, Nonviolent Communication suggests using compassionate inspiration as a way for people to get their needs met rather  than coercion, manipulation, or demands. Nonviolent Communication highly values  interpersonal respect – all parties granting each other the right to be who and how they are. And Nonviolent Communication encourages everyone to engage in good self-care. These are all parts of loving detachment. The insights and values of Nonviolent Communication have greatly enriched my understanding of how detachment can be loving for all. So, let's take a look at loving detachment.

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“I had heard about this “loving detachment” before, and it sounded like a self protective form of abandonment. But this counselor made it sound like a gift. How could that be?”

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First, a definition: Currently, I consider myself lovingly detached when: I am willing and able to compassionately and without judgment: 

• allow others to be different from me, 

• grant them the dignity of allowing them to be self-directed, 

• sustain an attitude of hopeful, loving-kindness with them. 

When I can do this, what benefits have I discovered? Here are four ways that I believe detachment is loving for my loved ones and four ways I have found it loving for me. 

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Petit Livre d’Amour, Pierre Salas. ca. 1500

I. How detachment is loving for others:  

I. Those I care for might learn to look within and trust themselves for self-direction, including  when and how to ask for help. 

If I refrain from trying to manage their problematic situation, the people I care about may learn something about thinking for themselves, problem-solving, and when and how to ask  for help. They might learn to listen to their feelings and intuitions better, to heed those little voices we all wish we listened to more often. They might learn to better recognize when they want help and how to request it in ways that leave them feeling good rather than embarrassed or ashamed. In short, letting them manage their affairs allows them to draw on their own inner resources instead of mine, and from this direct experience of their abilities, no matter how groping or uncertain, they can build a measure of competence and the experience of one’s competence is the most powerful and natural avenue for building self-confidence, increased self-trust, and self-esteem. 

II. They might learn more about cause and effect. 

My not intervening allows others to have an uninterrupted experience of the cause-and-effect relationship between their actions and the natural consequences of those actions. My uninvited involvement might trigger an unhappy reaction and create a conflict of its own. The risk here is that this generated conflict can become the sole focus of their attention, and the opportunities for them to learn as much as they might from the full and uninterrupted  encounter with their natural consequences becomes diminished or lost by the dust produced by fighting me. 

III. They might experience the motivation to continue on or change. 

Pleasurable and painful experiences often motivate us to repeat what brought satisfaction and change what didn't. We all use this kind of emotional energy to help us move forward and improve the experience of our lives. These motivating energies arise naturally within and feel much better to respond to than the attempts by others to motivate us through guilt, fear, manipulation, or some form of coercion.   

IV. Self-discovery and self-enjoyment might increase. 

If I grant others the freedom to think, feel, value, perceive, etc., as they wish, and they relax because they feel respected and safe, they might discover many new things about  themselves. They might discover what they really like, feel, or think. They might have moments of creative insight that inspire, excite, and encourage them. They might invent new, more satisfying dreams for their lives than ever would have appeared under the constraints of my controlling presence. 

Now, how about the ways loving detachment benefits me? 

II. How detachment is loving for me:  

I. I am relieved of the strain of attempting the impossible. 

At this point in my life, I have concluded that the only thing I might ever be able to control is my attitude toward whatever’s going on. Other humans are free-range chickens, perhaps capable of being influenced but never controlled by me (unless I can physically constrain them, which only controls their location and perhaps limits their behaviour). If I accept my  powerlessness to control the inner lives and wills of others, then I relieve myself of the stress  and strain of attempting what cannot be done. This is a primary way for me to create more  serenity in my life. In fact, if I practice this process deeply enough, I sometimes reach the  point where I form no opinion about what another should do. This is a truly liberated and  refreshing moment for us both. 

II. What other people think of me can become none of my business. 

If I am powerless to control the thoughts, perceptions, values, or emotions of another, then I  can liberate myself from necessarily accepting or reacting to their opinions of me. I just listened to a podcast in which a research neuropsychologist shared an interesting and fun strategy her husband came up with for how to liberate oneself when hearing another share their opinion of you. He said, “Just remember that what they think of you is just a bio-electrical  process happening in their brain.” I love the opportunity to remain detached from the product of that bio-electrical process which that understanding provides. 

III. My attention and energy are freed to focus on improving my own life. 

I have plenty of problem areas in my own life. Obsessing about another’s life is sometimes a way for me to avoid dealing with the pain in mine. If I spend too much time and energy obsessing about another's life, I don't spend enough time focusing on mine. If I do this, my life may stay at its current level of unmanageability or get worse. Loving detachment allows me to invest my energies in my life. 

 IV. I can express my love or caring in ways that bring joy and satisfaction to both. 

When someone I care for is struggling with a problem or suffering emotionally, I usually want to be supportive or helpful. But I want to offer the type of help that would bring me joy to  provide and them joy to receive. One of the ways that I have developed a picture of what this  help could look like is to recall times when caring friends or others assisted me in ways that I enjoyed. What did they do? While showing no sign that they felt responsible for solving my problems, they offered me four things: 

• their compassionate, empathic understanding of how I perceived and felt about my situation, 

• their experiences and learning from similar situations for my consideration,

• their genuine optimism about my abilities to work through my struggles,

• their willingness to help, on my terms, in ways that were congruent with their needs. 

To be offered understanding, companionship, encouragement, and assistance, but not interference, is the most satisfying help I have known. Offering this to others increases both  the joy in my life and my self-esteem. 

My practicing loving detachment provides an opportunity for both of our lives to be  improved. The lives of those I love may be improved because I respect their powers of self care enough to allow them to reap the potential benefits of struggling, learning, and  succeeding on their own. My life is improved because I avoid unnecessary distress, retain  energy for my own use, and offer caring and support in ways that bring me joy. In these ways, loving detachment plays a powerful and rewarding role in helping me to both live and let live.

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Petit Livre d’Amour, Pierre Salas. ca. 1500

III. Deciding if, when, and how:  

How do I go about deciding how I’d like to proceed? Here are some of the things I consider: 

1. Which action, helping or lovingly detaching, do I believe will strengthen my loved one  the most in the long run? This is my primary question. I want to contribute toward  strengthening their well-being in the long run. 

2. Does the "help" I am thinking of providing involve me picking up a responsibility that would normally be theirs, but which they are not performing at the levels I deem best?  Am I remembering for them, organizing for them, planning for them, making peace  for them, apologizing for them, keeping track of something for them, anticipating  consequences for them? It has been my frequent experience that as long as I continue  to handle jobs like these for my loved ones, their level of job performance rarely  improves, and they often resent my interventions. Oh, what fun we can have. 

3. Is the crisis I am tempted to help them with one that has a natural consequence that might be more valuable for them to encounter and deal with than me engaging in an  attempt to mitigate their pain? This decision is also informed by my estimate of the levels of emotional or physical harm they might be exposed to and the level of  capability and recourses they might have at their disposal, should their choices result  in the situation going seriously south. 

In making decisions about if, when, or how to respond or get involved in another’s struggle,  I have found that the best way for me to resolve any uncertainty I have is to ask myself this  question: 

“Which way of responding do I think I will be able to live with the best in the long run?” 

I hope these thoughts and suggestions help you figure out when, how, and how much to help  those you love and to feel more at ease when you lovingly choose to abstain.  

I have not found loving detachment to be painless. I often feel guilt, worry, and doubt. But my suffering is tempered when I believe that by resisting my urge to help, I may be offering the person I love the highest form of love I can. I wish you compassion, clarity, and courage as you navigate your way through these complex waters. 

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Wayland Myers, Ph.D. is a psychologist who writes books and articles on Nonviolent Communication and other applications of compassion. He was introduced to the Nonviolent Communication process in 1986 by its creator Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has since used it extensively in his personal and professional lives with profound and deeply valued results.

Tremaine Emory